- Mood:
inventive
but believe your impact constricted by role,
your power weakened by circumstance,
your reach limited by injury from physical accident,
rest assured that all the world knows that you are here.
You are heard. You are seen.
And where your voice does not carry
and your feet cannot tread,
even so does every soul feel your presence
on levels beyond conscious, human perception.
And your impact radiates farther still,
throughout the dimensions,
dimensions that appear to be
but are not
far removed from you.
The light you live,
the forgiveness you extend,
the healing you create,
and the love you remember yourself to be
are deeply felt by all in body
and all in spirit.
From the book Your Soul's Plan: Discovering the Real Meaning of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born (Copyright © 2007, 2009) by Robert Schwartz www.YourSoulsPlan.com
Published by North Atlantic Books
- Mood:
caretaking Momcat mode
- Mood: creative
Okay, the most important thing is this: the biopsy came back benign. They are not quite sure if it's 100%, however, because certain things that are usually part of biopsies in that part of the anatomy were missing. Is it because I've been menopausal so long? Or because the nurse practitioner didn't get enough tissue? Answer "A" is everyone's bet, but this OB/GYN is thoughtful and thorough.
So -- an outpatient procedure on November 17th to make sure all is as it should be, and then we think ahead to future options to keep me (a) as safe as possible and (b) still allow the bioidenticals. Could it be a hysterectomy? Yes, but my choice. This is a doctor who addresses the psychological issues FIRST instead of "cut first, excuses later" as they did in Massachusetts.
Also, I was able to locate a good oncologist here in the Albany area who will take over my care from the one in Boston who got so incensed and insulted my husband when he asked her why she wasn't addressing any quality of life issues.
So -- lots of good things today. And wine will be raised in two LARGE glasses.
- Mood:
ecstatic
Now let's make sure it holds off until I get to Cortland today for this weekend's psychic fair.
- Mood: excited
Endometrial biopsy occurred today. Nurse practitioner was a butcher with the bedside manner of a subway toilet. But it's done.
On the other hand, my primary care physician, Dr. Ron Stram, just called to make sure I was all right, to tell me that he understood how much I'd already gone through, that HE thought it was going to be a negative biopsy (which we all are praying for, and agree with) and that no matter what happened, they were there for me, had my back and would go over every option available -- that I wasn't alone in this. (This last bit verbatim.)
Now THAT is a doctor worth his Hippocratic Oath.
- Mood:
exhausted
A hurricane of tears earlier this afternoon. Now -- numb. Battle mode. Probably no sleep tonight. The waiting is the worst part.
- Mood:
numb
- Mood: loved
(a) the H1N1 craziness,
(b) are you getting either the annual flu shot or the H1N1 (Dr. Andrew Weil isn't, and he's no dumb puppy, so I'm wavering)
and
(c) what are you doing to stay healthy in the meanwhile?
- Mood:
curious
What do you do if you have a yogurt (or two) in the fridge that The Husband doesn’t like straight and isn’t diet enough for you? You get out the breadmaker and play…
This versatile recipe produces a rich-tasting bread that is especially delicious right out of the oven with honey or preserves.
Put in the breadmaker, in this order (all at room temperature):
2 eggs
¼ cup butter
¼ cup water
1 cup yogurt (fruit or vanilla flavored is good)
3/8-1/2 cup sugar
¼ tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 package active dry yeast (a shade over 2 tsp bread machine yeast)
4 to 4 ½ cups bread flour (I use half whole wheat, half unbleached white, all organic)
Get the puppy cranking. At the beep, add your favorite bread noms (household word for extra treats; refer to
www.icanhascheezburger.com for further enlightenment). Current delights: sultana raisins and almonds, with a fling or two of true cinnamon.
And let the smell of MMMMMMMMMMMMMM perfume the house. Perfect on a cold fall afternoon...
- Mood:
hungry
I was at the Option Institute in Massachusetts last week, participating in their FEARLESS program. Option is always potent magic for me, a place of clarity and laser vision where I can address those things that I stop myself with, and change them solidly and long term.
The fear that I concentrated on -- that I wanted to dump forever -- was around health. Like my father the cardiologist (and I won't go into the stories that tell me why it's true!), I have been a real hypochondriac for most of my life, assuming that a twinge here or there is cancer...a stroke...a heart attack. This pattern had gotten to the point where I had constant anxiety, and the panic always waiting to break out was greviously harming an otherwise marvelous marriage -- not to mention taking its real toll on my health simply because that kind of attitude depresses your immune system.
By the end of the week, I was able to dissect where the fears were from -- why they were logical to me -- how I always used fear-generating questions and worst case scenarios to prompt myself. Even had a bit of what I laughingly called "work study": the second day there I was slammed by a hormonal migraine and the worst nausea I have ever experienced. (While I've been blessed never to go through it,. I imagine this is what chemotherapy side effects are like). Taking the situation as a prompt from the Universe to put my "money where my mouth was," I treated it completely differently than I would have previously. Simple things such as an internal wellness mantra instead of panic predictions; looking for the next moment of peace rather than pain or nausea, enabled me to ride the event and come out whole on the other side. And when I woke up at 4:30 the next morning with the pain and nausea gone, I did not wonder where it went. I merely felt gratitude it was gone, and completely accepted it was past.
And my favorite quote from the whole weekend? "My ability to create is unlimited without fear." Screw the news reports...the flu pan(ic)demic...the fearmongers and naysayers. I've got my life ahead of me and intend to live the way Lazarus Long always advised:
- Mood:
fearless!
Who wants to play?
- Mood: creative
- Mood: touched
The past is done, and the future is ahead. From all the catlovers on my list, I ask for prayers for Kaiser Wilhelm IV ("Willi"), our 17 year old Himalayan. We will gently set him free this morning to find his original and loving Dadcat, my former husband Rich who passed in 2007, and to go play with his brother Oswald the First across the Rainbow Bridge.
Willi hasn't eaten or drunk since late last week (we don't know how he's survived this long). He's spent the past few days curled on the rug in our bathroom, dozing. This morning he came out to say goodbye to all his familiar places: the cellar where he loved to yodel o-purr-a; the sofa where he would get dual skritches from Carle and me at the same time, exuberantly leaning into the caress; the back door with the wide, wide glass where he'd sleep in the sun and watch the birds in spryer times.
We knew Death was coming for him, respectful but relentless, and that Willi wanted to go in his own way, fading gently. Once we were assured he was not in great pain, we knew we could let everything take its course until this morning, after the weekend fair I was running was over. This way, we can give him singular attention and love as the Final Kindness is offered.
Raise a glass of schnapps in his memory. We attach a final picture from better times, in his typical pose: regal but casual, his paws crossed in elegant abandon.
UPDATE: The Kaiser went to his Final Parade this morning at 9:15. The needle went in easily, and in less than 15 seconds he was gone. May we all have as easy a passing as his, when our time comes.
- Mood:
sad but at peace
ITEM: I got almost to the NY Thruway (45 minutes from home) and realized I'd forgotten my CD recorder (vital for recording client sessions this weekend). Had to turn around and get it, resulting in two hours late/extra on the road to Kitchener.
ITEM: Couldn't seem to get my computer working at the B&B for several hours. Finally did with a complete wipe and reboot.
ITEM: Big glitch in the brochure for next week's Wellness Festival...managed to get it in just in time.
ITEM: New front person was supposed to come in last night for training before today's start of a four day major show. Couldn't make it. Will see her at noon -- three hours training. Not enough.
ITEM: Got a call before 8 am this morning about the Wellness Fesstival from a couple of little old ladies who could have had all the information they wanted if they'd had a computer. Or perhaps waited until a decent hour. I was polite, even though my roaming charges here in Canada are outrageous.
Oy. I'm done bitching now.
- Mood:
exasperated
Dinner tonight at the Bull's Head Pub with good friends and webwizards Chris and Kim Altmann. Chris brought along the camera, so we can now share a shot of the Baron and the Captain becoming good buddies
.
- Mood:
playful
*sigh* I should know better -- when someone says they have been to a number of psychics, mediums and therapists, and they still don't have what they want -- and keep talking about how they are victims and can't let it go...I can't trust what they say to me in the session. Next time someone says that, I am going to say "I make a point of not being one of dozens; if you haven't gotten it from all the rest, you probably won't get it from me and I will save you time and frustration and money by declining to read you."
- Mood:
disgusted
It’s only been five hours, and already Ossi is acting *alpha cat*-- out of the bedroom with tail up, exploring everywhere, eating out of everyone’s food dish with impunity, using the “big boy’s” litter box and leading Manfred around by the nose. Ossi apparently recognizes everything about the house, because he’s acting like a cat who has lived here for years.
All my intuitive friends agree with me, that this IS my old Oswald returned. There’s no other explanation for a 3 month old being so self-possessed *and* bossing around a year-old male Mainer who has been here for nine months on his own in only a couple of hours. (Manfred on occasion tries to get some of his own back by pouncing on Oswald, but we keep reminding him that his weight advantage won’t last long and Ossi comes from bigger stock…)
We are speechless with delight.
- Mood:
giddy
- Mood: enthralled
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- FIRE THROUGH SPIRIT
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